My paternal grandfather, Papa Ben, came to this country in the early 1900’s when he was a teenager. The arrangements were typical of the time. His family scrimped and saved for his passage. Papa Ben intended to work and send money back to Russia so his mother and younger brothers could join him.
How terrified his mother was! Would Papa Ben reach the port without “bandits” stealing his ticket? One in ten people died on these trips to America. What if Papa Ben fell ill or fell overboard? What if the ship took a wrong turn?
Even if Papa Ben reached America in one piece, what then? He didn’t speak English. Could he find his relatives? Would Papa Ben be taken advantage of by “gangsters, gonifs and schemers”? No cell phone chats, texts or Facebook posts could ease his mother’s pain.
And I panicked the first time my son drove himself to the supermarket.
In the months leading up to Papa Ben’s departure from Russia, his mother expressed her fears and begged him to be careful. She also reminded him to stay true to how he was raised. “Never forget, you are not just Ben. You are your family. Your village. Do the right thing so everyone says: What a mensch! He must come from good stock.”
His mother’s words remained with Papa Ben his entire life. They guided him while he slept on a cousin’s kitchen floor and taught himself English, worked odd jobs and saved money to bring his family over, married, had children and started his own business. Papa Ben always behaved with integrity and treated people with respect no matter their profession or situation. He never forgot he was part of something greater than himself. Papa Ben often shared this wisdom with my father. He said: “When you are out in the world, it’s not just about you. You are us.”
Modern day parents also view children as representatives. But our mindset is different.
We count.
We count the sports teams our children belong to. Number of friends and birthday party invitations. Extracurricular activities. Advanced Placement classes in High School. College acceptances. Job offers.
Our kids are successful representatives when the numbers are high. And if our child scores well, our egos skyrocket for this proves we are good parents.
But when Papa Ben’s mother told him to be the face of his family and village, she wasn’t thinking in numbers. She didn’t ask him to earn more money than the shoemaker’s son who went to America two years earlier and now owned his own store. She wanted Papa Ben to be a real menschlichkeit, an example of Jewish values. She prayed he would adhere to the highest standards, not simply for himself, but for the people he represented.
He was an ambassador.
Many of us have grown frustrated with a self-centered child and said: ‘Life isn’t all about you.” We express this thought when our child behaves in a way which ignores the needs of others. But we should go further. Jewish teaching emphasizes the importance of connectivity. We are citizens of the world. And in that world, our kids must consider not only the impact of their actions but how those actions reflect our principles.
Teaching our children to be menschlichkeit ambassadors is challenging in a fast-paced environment that plays the numbers game. Our job is made even more difficult when those in public life ignore the fact they represent many people and what is supposed to be the best of our values. Papa Ben didn’t insult, bully or vow to “hit back ten times harder.” Papa Ben would have considered such behavior inexcusable and believed he was failing his family and community.
My grandfather traveled to America alone. His mother stayed behind. But her values were transportable. Ours can be, too. Let’s emphasize the qualities that matter. Let’s encourage our children to be ambassadors in the best sense so people will nod their heads and say:
“Look at him. He must come from good stock.”
This article was published in The Jewish Advocate on July 14, 2017.
