Like many Jews anxious to escape the poverty and oppression of late nineteenth century Russia, my Nana Evelyn’s family emigrated to the United States. Nana Evelyn once told me: “People said the streets in America were paved with gold, but we knew that was foolishness. What we prayed for was a chance to improve our lives in a place where Jews could be free.” My grandparents’ generation came to the United States to enjoy the fruits of their labors and own their businesses instead of having to place these businesses in the names of Gentiles. They hoped to provide education for their children, help their families and create a Jewish community. They took for granted the need for hard work and a new language. A tough task lay ahead, but so did opportunity.
I suspect few of the hopeful, weary passengers who came through Ellis Island would have answered the question of why they were coming to the United States with:
Because we want to win.
Winning was not a topic my grandparents discussed very often. True, they talked about various sports teams that triumphed (“Can you believe that last pitch?”) and my grandmother’s fifty cent win at her canasta tournament. (“The candy bars are on me!”) But the idea that winning was crucial and equaled success was not woven into the fabric of their lives.
The current vituperative political world is loaded with speeches that state the way to make America great again is to win. I’m not sure when the American dream of unfettered self-improvement was replaced with the idea of winning, but we have become an increasingly competitive society. We are constantly being bombarded with how crucial it is to be the best, the most, the greatest. Consider Michelle Kwan. She won five World Championship titles in Ladies Figure Skating, but some people still consider her a failure because she never won a gold medal at the Olympics.
As a parent, this is concerning, for society sends children the message if they are not first then they are nothing. What kind of pressure does this place on our kids? And what kind of values are they being taught when it is apparently okay to take a morally questionable shortcut or step over a friend as long as it results in winning? By encouraging this win/lose attitude, we weaken our children’s characters and set them up for failure. Even if they win this week, what happens next week if they don’t? Do they suddenly become losers? And there is certainly no need to learn from our neighbor/co-worker/friend if we are busy kicking him out of the way. We should encourage confidence and a healthy sense of competition in our children. But every time we applaud the view that winning is everything, we set a poor example for our kids and move further away from the Jewish values my grandparents so exemplified. The Ten Commandments help form a foundation for our Jewish faith, and I don’t recall one that states: “Thou Shalt Win.”
My grandparents’ generation had drive and determination, but they also recognized an obligation to others. Feeling like a winner was not nearly as important as behaving like a winner. To my grandparents, this meant making the most of themselves and helping the community. Success came from developing a good character, pursuing Jewish learning, and finding joy in small things. In addition, standing up for the other guy was more important than beating the other guy. Did this make my grandparents weak? Hardly. They possessed tenacity in buckets and would have been the first to say we must never give up and should stand up to bullies in an increasingly dangerous world.
Certain politicians are quick to argue we have grown weak and there is a lessening of pride in our country, but perhaps this comes from a shift away from our grandparents’ values. In the process of continually seeking the win, we lose part of ourselves. And when people buy into this “you must lose so I can win” mentality, everyone becomes a potential enemy.
Let’s stop limiting our children’s focus by insisting they be the best. And if a child grows into an adult determined to develop his or her best self?
That’s what my grandparents would have called a winner.
This article was published in The Jewish Advocate on March 11, 2016.
