My Nana Evelyn—she of the wise old sayings—used to frown when someone complained too much. “If we all hung our problems on the clothesline, you’d see everyone else’s problems and take back your own.” My grandmother did not invent this expression, but she believed in it. Her point was obvious; her goal was simple. She wanted the listener to understand moaning and groaning does not accomplish much of anything, and we must put our own difficulties in perspective. Nana Evelyn was a practical woman, and this advice was sound. Sometimes we must remind ourselves to be grateful for what we have. Our problems could be worse.
Recently, I ran into an old friend whom I had not seen for several years. When she asked for my family, I told her my parents passed away within two and a half years of each other. Her response? “Well, my husband’s parents both died within eighteen months.”
She might have had the same intention as my grandmother—to remind me that others have greater problems—and I want to give her the benefit of the doubt. But too many people now play the “my woes are worse than yours” game. Increased competition has seeped into the world of problems. We are a society of “one-uppers”, so why not one-up our struggles?
Do we rank our troubles to make the other person feel guilty for being upset about her own issues? To remind her to focus on us because our obstacles are the only ones which count? To justify our self-pity? To confirm our belief that while another person might have a similar predicament, it’s just easier for her to handle it?
I don’t launch into a laundry list of woes upon hearing the words: “So, how are you?” I try to stay positive, but depending on the relationship and my current situation, I might share a problem or two. Believe it or not, hearing: “Your husband had major surgery? Well, so did mine, and he had such complications!” Or “A frozen pipe burst and flooded your basement? Well, our upstairs shower leaked and ruined my kitchen cabinets!” Or “Your dog ran away? Well, not only did Bobby kill our goldfish by dumping the whole container of fish food into the tank, but I backed my car up over our pet tortoise!”
Okay. I might be making up the last scenario, but you get the idea. “Problem competition” can make me cognizant of my own blessings. But usually hearing another’s list of woes brings little comfort. As a parent, I believe if we continually act as if our problems are the worst, our kids will grow up thinking that concern and understanding are unnecessary.
And in today’s world, sympathy and empathy are in short supply.
Sympathy is about pity. It’s a starting point. Empathy is the next step and involves an attempt to recognize and feel another’s pain. Empathy is difficult for we can never entirely understand another person no matter how hard we try. And let’s face it. Too often, we are not in the mood to try. Compassion can lead to uncertain places; sometimes it’s safer to dwell on our own troubles.
But empathy is essential not only for us as human beings, but as Jews. The Jewish faith emphasizes the importance of human connection, and empathy improves that connection. It also allows us to appreciate our differences. What appears to be a similar problem is not always similar because people have different perspectives and coping skills. Empathy comes more naturally to some, but we all must make more of an effort.
Consider Moses. He ventured out among the slaves and saw their horrible conditions. Moses could have easily felt pity and returned to the palace, but he empathized with the Israelites. His life took off in a different direction because he shared their pain. The Midrash says Moses searched for a runaway lamb while shepherding in the desert and carried it back on his shoulders. God recognized Moses’ empathy went beyond knocking out an Egyptian taskmaster. The treatment of the lamb showed a compassionate spirit.
“Rachamim” is Hebrew for “compassion” and comes from the word “rechem” which means “womb.” Rachamim doesn’t simply refer to man’s ability to empathize. God, too, is compassionate. It says in Psalm 56:9:
Thou has counted my wanderings; put Thou my tears into Thy bottle; are they not in Thy book?”
I suspect God’s answer to this question is not: “Oy, you think you have problems? Wait until I tell you about the guy who lives down the street…”
Our children should not deny their own emotions and pain. They feel what they feel. But it is important for kids to see us focus on others in need and not treat the interaction like a shared pity-party or competition. When we one-up our problems, we send the message empathy is meaningless and validating someone else’s emotions is a worthless exercise. Let’s teach our kids to offer recognition of another’s struggle and use their own problems to connect and not one-up. Kids can listen without mentally preparing a list of their own woes. And if they are one-upped, let them know sometimes it’s okay to offer comfort by agreeing that another’s difficulties are greater.
Hanging our problems on the clothesline to find comfort (as my Nana Evelyn encouraged us to do) often helps when we are in crisis. But when we use that clothesline to showcase our own troubles and put ourselves atop the problem heap, we discard compassion and teach our children to do the same.
This article was published in The Jewish Advocate on February 24, 2017.
