Young children handle forgiveness with ease. “That isn’t nice,” you say when your daughter shoves her little brother. “Apologize.” So your daughter says she’s sorry, the little brother forgives and both children return to their “pre-shove” activities. Incident over. Problem solved.
But forgiveness becomes more difficult as kids grow older. When we raise our children to value fairness and kind treatment, forgiveness violates their sense of justice. Are they supposed to ignore their own feelings? What if the “offender” doesn’t apologize? What if the apology is insincere or there are disputes about the underlying incident? We often tell our kids to stop complaining, forgive, forget and move on. But we can’t expect our children to drop the grudge-fest if they don’t understand the true meaning of forgiveness. And some of the best lessons about forgiveness come from the story of Joseph.
Joseph. Jacob’s favorite son. The boy who flaunted his multi-colored coat. The one who blabbed about dreams in which his brothers bowed down to him.
No wonder his brothers thought he was a pain in the neck.
Still, even the most annoying little brother did not deserve to be sold to slave traders. And this over-reaction led to a chain-reaction. Joseph went from beloved son to slave to wealthy man’s steward to prisoner to dream interpreter to Pharaoh’s confidante to head honcho of Egypt. Did Joseph’s ultimate success erase his brothers’ evil in the desert? Of course not. And yet, when the brothers appeared, poor and desperate, Joseph forgave them.
But the story of Joseph teaches forgiveness is not a ‘one and done’ moment. Forgiveness can take time and raging over injustice accomplishes nothing useful. Joseph didn’t feel sorry for himself or seethe with anger. He made the most of his situation and continued to trust in God even though he did not forget how he was wronged. Joseph put his brothers through several tests before forgiving them. He observed their increased empathy but did not force them to confess their crimes. Joseph could have argued with them all day about what actually happened in the desert, but he didn’t even try. Nor did Joseph indicate he would put full trust in his brothers. He was no one’s fool. Given his power in Egypt, Joseph could have “evened the score.” Instead he showed inner strength and respect for God’s commandments. He understood his brothers’ misdeeds were part of a larger plan.
“Indeed you intended evil against me, but God designed it for good.” Genesis 50:20.
Joseph’s actions teach us the power and complexity of forgiveness. Unfortunately, today’s world makes learning these lessons more difficult. Now when kids have a disagreement, Facebook, Twitter, etc. give the event a permanent place on the internet. Texts, retweets and new posts constantly remind our kids what hurt them in the first place. How are they supposed to forgive when peers continue to fan the flames? Will others think them weak if they offer forgiveness?
To make matters worse, reality television floods the senses with quarrels and controversies. Our culture celebrates the drama; celebrities relish the attention. Even politicians set a poor example. They play grudge matches and stretch them out for years. The public applauds them for their “tough stance.”
The instantaneous nature of modern day communication adds further complication. Less face to face dialogue makes it harder for a child to work through the steps of forgiveness. By keeping the other person at arm’s length, we dehumanize him. These degrees of separation provide fertile ground for grudges and make forgiveness more difficult.
There is no evidence Joseph told anyone in Egypt how he was sold into slavery. But what if Joseph and his brothers were on social media? What if they constantly aired their differences for the world to see? The brothers would read Joseph’s Facebook posts and be consumed by jealousy. Pharaoh would roll his eyes and say, “Joseph, you’re a fool if you forgive those rotten brothers. Did you see what they tweeted this week?”
To go a step further, what if Joseph’s life had become the subject of a reality show?
Will Joseph come to terms with the fact his brothers sold him to slavers? Can the brothers stop obsessing over that hideous coat? Don’t miss the next episode of ‘House of Jacob’ on Desert Netflix!
I like to think Joseph would have remained resourceful, forgiving and mindful of God’s plan. But social media and reality television would have made his task more difficult.
Everyone should follow Joseph’s example. Understanding and practicing forgiveness is crucial for personal growth. We can teach our children forgiveness is not always simple; it can have the complexity and texture of a multi-colored coat. Forgiveness might not wipe out the past. But it allows us to move forward. Playing out dramas on social media turns our life into a never ending rerun of a third rate reality show.
This article was published in The Jewish Advocate on April 12, 2019.
