A CONVERSATION WITH RABBI JOSEPH MESZLER
Rabbi Joseph Meszler has been the rabbi at Temple Sinai in Sharon for over ten years. He was ordained at Hebrew Union College in Cincinnati in 1999 and is married to Rabbi Julie Zupan. They have two children, ages twelve and thirteen. Rabbi Meszler has written several books on a variety of Jewish topics including: the Shema, facing illness, and the role of Jewish men in society and in the home. He is also a frequent contributor to The Huffington Post. I was interested to hear his thoughts on how parenting concerns have changed during his ten years at Temple Sinai. He welcomed me into his office with his typical warmth and enthusiasm. Rabbi Meszler has a rare gift for making people feel relaxed, eager to talk and eager to learn.
Rabbi Meszler believes certain parenting challenges have changed in the past decade. First, quality time with our children is on the decline. The rabbi uses a phrase which sums up his concern:
“People are alone together.”
All too often, parents and children occupy the same space, but there is no connection. A reliance on technology (social media in particular) means we are often more interested in our Facebook friends than in the people present. This leads to the rabbi’s notion of “alone together” because there can be no quality time if our heads are buried in our gadgets. He suggests we limit our children’s use of technology when we want quality time and set an example by putting away our own devices.
Another problem the rabbi believes has worsened is helicopter parenting. We have gone from a society that honors our traditions and elders to one that is “kid-centric.” This means parents are too interested in rushing in and “rescuing” our children rather than teaching skills kids need to stand on their own. Parents need to ask themselves: Are we doing enough to teach self-reliance? The increased use of technology makes teaching self-reliance even more critical. Technology continually advances. The high tech information our children learn in kindergarten is outdated by the time they reach middle school (if not sooner) and this pattern of change continues. What happens when kids depend too much on the “icloud” world only to have that world rearranged every few years? These changes will have less of a negative impact if children can stand on their two feet.
Rabbi Meszler also sees increased pressure placed on our children. This pressure is particularly evident in high school because parents push our kids to pile on the AP courses and strengthen the college application. More people “disrespect different kinds of intelligence.” Not everyone can or should follow the same path, and we must value children’s differences. Kids need to be encouraged to make the most of themselves and understand everyone’s journey is different. But if parents are more concerned with competing with each other and placing our own egos ahead of the interests of our children, the pressure increases all the more. Rabbi Meszler considers these overly high expectations come from a drive to outdo what our own parents provided as well as to make sure our children end up with more than we have. This goal is not always realistic and places too much emphasis on socio-economic wealth rather than on our Jewish values.
The rise in anti-Semitism (including anti-Semitism thinly disguised as anti-Israel sentiments and increased media bias against Israel) is another concern for today’s parents. Rabbi Meszler believes our kids need better preparation in this area. He suggests parents discuss anti-Semitism with our children before they go out into the world (i.e. to college.) rather than be reactive once bigotry occurs. Parents should teach kids the difference between neutral questions from people with little exposure to Jews (and Jewish thinking) and active anti-Semitism. Rabbi Meszler believes parents must emphasize the importance of being “upstanders and not bystanders” when it comes to prejudice. Preparation and awareness will encourage our children to be strong when confronted by anti-Semitism.
Rabbi Meszler feels there is a decreased emphasis on the importance of being part of a Jewish community. Children must be independent yet encouraged to connect to fellow Jews. As the rabbi explains, kids need to “disconnect to connect.” Children have to step out of themselves and their own lives to join the community at large. Parents can strengthen this connection by sharing the wonders of the Jewish faith with our children. “Make quality time Jewish time” and use the lesser Jewish holidays as opportunities for joyful family moments. The rabbi considers Shabbat dinner to be particularly important, even if the Friday night experience consists of candles, wine, prayers and pizza before kids go off to their own pursuits. Making such moments a priority in our family life allows for deliberate Jewish interaction.
At the conclusion of our discussion, Rabbi Meszler returns to his phrase “people are alone together,” but not as it relates to children. Parents need to avoid following the purely kid-centric route and take care of each other. Otherwise, what is left for a couple when the children leave home? The parent-parent relationship is just as important as the parent-child one and often gets overlooked. Effective parenting is more difficult if the relationship between parents is weakened.
Although Rabbi Meszler sees changes in parenting concerns over the last ten years, he remains optimistic. If parents remember to treasure each other, emphasize core Jewish values and remain determined to put in our best parenting efforts, we can raise successful kids with strong Jewish roots.
This article was published in The Jewish Advocate on December 2, 2016.
