When I was young, I had difficulty understanding the concept of “judgment” at the High Holy Days. It seemed every other word at services was some variation of “to judge,” and I felt paranoid, as if all eyes were on me, searching out sinful thought and behavior. I imagined a man in black robes and a powdered wig (think Admiral Nelson!) behind a raised desk barking: “Chambers, now!” It took me some time to understand the High Holy Days are not just about God judging us. We judge ourselves. We look into our hearts and actions. We take responsibility for our behavior and reflect on how we can make positive changes. Unfortunately, some people focus only upon the “God as judge” concept. They also believe that since man is created in the image of God, they, too, have the right to judge others. No one is more guilty of this than parents.
I must admit, my children were fairly easy when they were little. They slept through the night within a few months and were extremely sweet-tempered. During those years, if I saw other parents having problems with their own kids–even minor problems–two thoughts popped into my head.
First, “If I had that child to raise for even a week, I could get that kid into shape.”
Second, “Well, that child is poorly behaved because the parents screwed up.”
In other words, I put on the “Parenting Judgment Hat” and made internal rulings on other people. I was also convinced that because my husband and I were such good parents, we would never have a single problem with our own children.
Didn’t quite work out that way.
Hillel said:
“Don’t judge your fellow human being until you have reached that person’s place.”
I love that quote, particularly when it comes to parenting. Hillel isn’t simply telling us to avoid wearing the Parenting Judgment Hat. He is asking us to put ourselves in another’s shoes. The problem is, we can never put ourselves in another’s shoes. We can sympathize and empathize, learn details about the situation and struggle to understand, but we can never be that other person in full. So, Hillel is saying: don’t judge your fellow human being, period, the end.
Not only is being in full judgment mode contrary to Jewish teachings, it can backfire. If we set ourselves up as judge and jury for everyone else, what happens when we have a problem with a child? If we admit to our problem still wearing The Parenting Judgment Hat, we believe we’ve failed. If we are still stuck in the “I’m the best parent in the world” mode, then we ignore problematic issues and don’t fix them. At the High Holy days, we reflect inwardly on our failings and make a renewed determination to improve ourselves. But if we are stuck in that rigid world of judgment, how can we possibly improve?
Like life, parenting is about taking a few steps forward and a few steps back. It is essential to remain open-minded. Not every parenting strategy works. There might be a strategy that has worked in the past, but it doesn’t work anymore. Or there might be a strategy that works with one child and not another. What do we do then? The role of parents changes based on many factors including age, personality and circumstance. Sometimes we need to come up with a new strategy, and this requires flexibility. But if we are too busy judging everyone else, and by default, ourselves, we get stuck in a rut which keeps us from making effective parenting decisions.
So take off that hat.
This article was published in The Jewish Advocate on October 6, 2017.
