Recently I watched an interview of a dozen Trump voters. Most of the group remained pleased with their choice because, in their words, the President is a fighter who gets things done. When asked if Trump’s insults, crude comments and racial slurs cause offense, the answer was a resounding no. They like the way he talks. They can relate to him. He is Everyman. He says what they think but are afraid to say. Apparently, the best way to communicate is to find the lowest common denominator and run with it.
And this got me thinking. Perhaps my ideas about how to connect with kids are wrong.
Many of us long for the days when young children hung on our every word. It’s a shock when kids grow older and enter “fight or flight” mode the minute we open our mouths. So what if we use Trump’s methods when we parent? Our kids will listen if we behave like teenagers at their worst. They will shower us with respect because we are their Everyman.
Not happy with your daughter’s math grade? Storm into the school and demand to know why the teacher is picking on your child. Someone else’s son is chosen over yours for varsity soccer? Make that parent understand her kid got lucky; he plays like crap. And the elderly neighbor who asks your son to turn down the music in his car? Get in the neighbor’s face and scream he belongs in a nursing home.
Now that we understand how to interact with people around us, how will we directly deal with our kids?
Teenagers are acutely conscious of physical appearance and quick to criticize others. Now we can tell our daughter her shirt is ugly, but if she wants to walk around looking like a freak, go ahead. And since our kids are always accusing us of not being as “cool” or understanding as other parents, we can adversely compare them to our friends’ children. What about classic teenage avoidance? Let’s play the same game! If our child struggles to discuss a sensitive topic, we can ignore him and whip out our phone. In addition, why bother with any face-to-face conversation? Let’s communicate entirely by text. We can live in the immediate and destroy any semblance of mental filter!
But what if the unthinkable happens and our hard work does not provide the expected pay off?
We might have to grit our teeth and buck the modern trend. We can refuse to get caught up in our kids’ emotions. We can shut our mouths if the temptation to retaliate grows too strong and avoid joining in when kids speak in absolutes.
In other words, we can behave like responsible adults.
Our Jewish faith values self-improvement and upward mobility of character. The Torah is filled with passages emphasizing parents are in the best position to guide our children. But how can we achieve this if we ignore high standards and are more concerned with getting down and dirty?
Kids already know their worst traits; they don’t need to witness those traits in us. Our goal should be to communicate maturely and make ourselves better so kids don’t adopt our faults. By striving to be our best, we teach kids to be their best. What works for some politicians won’t work for parents. Better we drape ourselves in menschkeit behavior than some “teenage Darth Vader” persona. We don’t need to become Everyman.
This article was published in The Jewish Advocate on December 22, 2017.
