Recently, Donald Trump made a big announcement.
President Obama was born in the United States.
After years of pushing this controversial issue, Trump said: “Hillary Clinton and her campaign of 2008 started the birther controversy. I finished it. You know what I mean.”
Whatever one’s opinion might be of the level of truth contained in Trump’s words, this is disturbing for parents. Mr. Trump is running for the highest office in the land and should be a role model for our children. Instead, he is an adult hiding behind the “She started it!” excuse.
There are very few parents — especially parents with more than one child– who have not heard these words in their own home. “Joe, stop pushing your sister.” “But she pushed me first!” Or: “Marissa, don’t call Amy a stupid jerk!” “But she called me a moron yesterday!” I’m not suggesting we rush out and take an intensive parenting course every time we hear these kinds of outbursts. But as our children grow, we need to make sure they accept responsibility for their actions and don’t get sidetracked by excuses.
However, the “She started it!” line has negative implications beyond serving as shoddy justification for bad behavior.
When kids deflect blame, they turn themselves into victims. Suddenly they are free floating beings who are acted upon by someone else who possesses the magical power to compel bad action in others. In addition, if a child simply accepts his “victim” status, he has no incentive to change. Why should he change when it is the other person’s fault?
If a child becomes too entrenched in the blame game, he doesn’t simply blame other children. He can easily turn on his parents and accuse them of being mean, unfair, and out of touch just because they want him to take responsibility. Once a child makes this way of thinking a habit, he slides down a slippery slope, for now it is easier to come up with a dozen other ways to get off the hook. This gives a false sense of control; the truth is, taking ownership of one’s choices is quite empowering.
The “She started it!” mindset can also serve as a pre-emptive strike; kids go on the attack even before being admonished for their own bad behavior. In addition, consider the matter of anger. I have never heard anyone say “Well, he did it first!” in a calm voice. That sentence always ends with an exclamation point.
Modern technology makes spreading someone else’s speech (as well as temptation to use it as an excuse) too easy. Social media is available 24/7 and helps rumors spread like wildfire. The re-tweet is particularly dangerous for it is very easy for the re-tweeter to say: “Well, those weren’t my words. I simply posted them.” There is little doubt the ease with which our kids use social media to quote others has contributed to the rise of cyber-bullying. Now they can use the “She started it!” line without even knowing who the original “She” was.
Jews believe words hold great power. Think of all the sins we atone for at Yom Kippur that have to do with words: lying, slander, tale-bearing. In fact, the Jewish faith considers one of the greatest sins to be “Lashon ha-ra” or disparaging speech. The sin remains even if what is being repeated is true.
“Where no wood is, the fire goeth out; and where there is no whisperer, contention ceaseth.” Proverbs 26:20
So what can parents do aside from refusing to accept the “She started it!” as an excuse from our children? We can set a good example by not blaming others when we act badly and take responsibility for our own actions. We can refrain from repeating rumors even if we believe the congregation/school/neighborhood has “the right to know.” We can teach our children that the “She started it!” excuse is particularly unacceptable when used by a public figure. And we must remind our children that speech can be as harmful as physical violence and must always be used with care and respect.
This article was published in The Jewish Advocate on September 30, 2016.
