Isaac and Rebekah were not the only parents in the Torah to play favorites. But if there was a “Favoritism of the Year” award, they would be in the running. Their family dynamics show the dangers of favoring one child over another and how far-reaching those effects can be.
Rebekah gave birth to twins, Esau and Jacob. Isaac favored Esau, a hairy man’s man who loved to hunt. Esau was the biblical precursor to the tough kid who knows every football statistic and becomes president of his fraternity. In contrast, Jacob was a home loving guy who tended sheep. He was Rebekah’s favorite.
And, like his mother, he was a bit of a sneak.
Esau returned from hunting, and, with excess drama, claimed he was starving. Instead of saying, “I have Campbell’s tomato soup on the stove; pull up a chair,” Jacob would only provide food in exchange for Esau’s birthright. Esau, eager to stop his stomach from growling, accepted the deal.
Despite Esau’s cavalier attitude toward his birthright, he wasn’t all bad. He offered to go hunting and prepare Isaac’s favorite stew. (How many of us have had to beg our sons to pick up milk at Cumberland Farms?) Isaac promised to bless Esau upon his return, but Rebekah had different ideas. Once Esau left, she dashed into the kitchen, broke out pots and pans and made her own stew. Then she glued hair to Jacob’s face and hands so he could impersonate Esau and serve the stew. Isaac’s eyesight was failing, and he blessed Jacob, thinking it was Esau.
We can imagine how betrayed Esau felt when he returned from his hunting trip. He must have known his mother favored Jacob; now she had plotted against him with Jacob’s help. Once again, Esau emerged the loser, and he was furious. Desperate to save Jacob from Esau’s rage, Rebekah sent her favorite son away.
She never saw him again.
Esau would now inherit the family goods, and he further upset Rebekah by taking another “heathen” wife.
Later, Jacob was tricked into marrying the wrong girl (Leah instead of Rachel). Perhaps this made Jacob examine his own past behavior and the evils of deception. But the dangers of favoritism did not resonate. Joseph, his son by Rachel, was Jacob’s undoubted favorite. And even before he gave Joseph a fancy coat, Jacob showed the depth of his favoritism when he reunited with Esau.
This reunion was not a casual get-together. First, Jacob ordered his men to spy on Esau. He then sent gifts as peace-offerings. When Esau appeared with four hundred men, Jacob was afraid. He bowed to Esau, called him “my lord” and said he would be Esau’s servant. Whether Jacob was motivated by sincere remorse or fear, we can’t know, but Esau welcomed Jacob with open arms. The brothers’ interaction teaches the importance of repentance and forgiveness. However, even during this stressful encounter, Jacob continued to play favorites. Before he bowed to Esau, Jacob positioned his family. He placed the female servants and their children in the front line of (possible) fire. Leah and her children were behind this group, and in the back — the safest place in an attack — were Rachel and Joseph.
Jacob could not break the cycle of favoritism, and the result was as disastrous for him as it had been for Rebekah. Years earlier, she grieved when Jacob fled, and Jacob mourned Joseph who was sold into slavery.
Parents might not intend to pick a favorite, but favoritism is a universal, timeless problem. It weaves itself into the very fabric of our family. The result is bitterness, resentment, and a behavior pattern difficult to break even when, like Jacob, we should know better.
We connect with others — our children included — in different ways. Unfortunately, this often leads to elevating one child over another. Often, we favor the child most like us. We understand that child. We can relate to him. Then again, the negative qualities of a “mini-me” can aggravate because we see those traits in ourselves. This can lead to favoring the child whose temperament differs from our own.
Sometimes we favor a child who has a special talent. We gloat and plan our family time around that child’s particular skill at the other children’s expense. (God had told Rebekah the older twin would serve the younger. Perhaps she favored Jacob because he was the “rising star.”) Conversely, we might favor a less-gifted child because we worry about his self-esteem.
A family functions best when it works as a unit. By picking a favorite, we weaken that unit and set the stage for current and future problems. We can never distribute our attentions with perfect equality. Different children have different needs, and one child might require more attention depending on the situation. But love should stay consistent. Parents should promote sibling bonds and not create a competitive environment.
We want our children to feel secure and treasured. Rebekah, Isaac and Jacob, for all their excellent qualities, damaged their families by playing favorites. Like most parents, they hoped their children would embrace their morals and traditions and pass them down to the next generation. But by demonstrating preferential treatment and unequal love, the favoritism trap became an unfortunate part of their legacy.
This article was published in The Jewish Advocate in 2019.
