SHOULD WE ENCOURAGE OUR CHILDREN TO TAKE RISKS?
My two great uncles, Joseph Ford and Abraham Shapiro, left behind the poverty and hardships of Europe and came to this country in search of a better life. They both found it and used the fruits of their success to support many Jewish causes. Although neither of my uncles had much schooling, they recognized the importance of higher learning. They also saw how anti-Semitism made it difficult for Jewish students to obtain an excellent education, and they decided to help solve this problem by founding Brandeis University. Uncle Joe and Uncle Abe believed it crucial that the school’s first president be someone brilliant and world-renowned.
Who better than Albert Einstein?
So these two remarkable men headed for New York to ask Albert Einstein to be the first president of Brandeis University. He was flattered and immensely supportive of what they were trying to achieve.
But he turned them down.
My uncles’ version was that Albert Einstein said with a sigh, “I do great with Mathematics. With people… not so much.”
Uncle Joe and Uncle Abe had contrasting views of Einstein’s response. Uncle Joe appreciated Einstein’s honesty. After all, if Einstein was not comfortable dealing with people, better that he not get involved with Brandeis and stick to what he was good at. Uncle Abe had a different take. Since Einstein recognized he was not skilled with people, why not work to improve this weakness instead of just shrugging it off? These varying perspectives led to a long-running discussion in my family which we called “The Uncles’ Debate.”
Should a person simply focus on developing his strengths or should he ascertain his weak areas and work toward strengthening them? In addition, what are the advantages of plunging in and trying something entirely new?
I have often reflected on The Uncles’ Debate since I myself became a parent.
Following Uncle Joe’s line of thought, I believe we should encourage our children to develop what they are good at, particularly if they are strong in an area they enjoy. Uncle Joe would say, that is enough. After all, would Einstein have formed The Theory of Relativity if he had focused on being the life of the party? Developing one’s strengths leads to achievement and confidence. But I also agree with Uncle Abe in the sense that parents should not encourage kids to simply rest on their laurels.
We live in a world where so much is at our fingertips 24/7 (think IPads and phone apps!), and there is tremendous value placed on the “quick fix.” Our society emphasizes winning and equates it with success, but this hyper-focus on perfection does not increase confidence or eliminate weaknesses. The fact is, success isn’t all about winning. Success often has more to do with the journey and what we learn along the way. Part of everyone’s journey should be the development of a self-awareness that allows us to understand our own strengths and weaknesses. This helps us connect with others, respect their strengths and empathize with their weaknesses. This self-awareness is not an excuse for allowing weaknesses to define us or to simply give up. Awareness of limitations can lead to a wonderful opportunity for growth. Obviously, not all weaknesses can be changed or improved. But how do we know unless we try?
It is by trying – and possibly failing – that kids learn valuable coping skills. The world won’t end if they make a mistake. And if they succeed, they will prove to themselves they can overcome a new obstacle. Being able to take emotional and intellectual risks also allows them to deal with difficulties that are completely out of their control. The most contented people tend to be those who are willing to put in their best efforts and turn obstacles into challenges. We don’t want our children to give up because of a fear of failure.
This courage to continue is worth far more than any “success.”
Let’s set a strong example for our kids by showing them a willingness to step out of our comfort zones and try something new like learning a new language or the “new” Math, or improve a personal weakness like social anxiety or a tendency to give in to peer pressure. We should also set aside our egos and personal dreams and encourage our kids to attempt something they might not necessarily be great at. Is part of our children’s reluctance to expand their horizons or to self-improve a direct result of our own fears they won’t be the best at everything? Let’s keep standards high but expectations realistic.
What would Uncle Joe and Uncle Abe have achieved if they had allowed themselves to be constrained by their perilous start in life and their struggle to adapt to an entirely new country? Would anyone observing these two young boys getting off the boat at Ellis Island ever have imagined they would found a university and speak to someone as world-famous as Albert Einstein? Exploration takes courage. It provides us the opportunity to discover new strengths, new passions and allows us an incredible chance to grow.
This was originally published in The Jewish Advocate on April 24, 2015.
